definutly da gretust SYOC eva bro
by We don't know what we're doing
Summary: What happens when an author gets bored and creates an SYOC where a bunch of horribly created troll OCs kill each other? This fanfic. SYOC full!
1. furm nd rulez

**omg like this syoc wil be evn betta dan DA BEST SYOC EVA!**

 **Okay that's a lie. This will be (intentionally) a really terrible SYOC with horrible characters and bad plot and cringy jokes and really pointless murder trials full of idiots.**

 **Hope you enjoy~**

 **(Made with permission from SkyeTheFangirl, who is currently standing behind me and looking over my shoulder.)**

* * *

I luuked at a new instugram post and typd a coment. "omg, lol, so funny haha not I 22lly trolled you! lol!"

"omg! dats a gr8 comment!" the person next 2 me sed.

"I no rite!" I smild. "Now dats how u cauz despair!"

"o, u know a bettr way?"

"Wat?"

"makng a bunch of weird tenagers keel each otheer!"

"omg dats a gr8 idea! 22ly steeling all da credit tho!"

"omg y"

* * *

 **For those of you familiar with DA BEST SYOC EVA, you know the rules. Unlike a certain SOMEONE'S SYOC (*cough*Skye*cough*) this will mostly stay entirely trollish and unserious. I plan on stealing the title of best troll SYOC writer from Skye!**

 **If you're not familiar with DA BEST SYOC EVA, then I'll elaborate. You create a really shitty charcter. I mean monumentally shitty. Make them a Mary-Sue, make them weird as hell, make them fruits, make them ugly old men! Have fun!**

 **Basic rules:**

 **1\. Have fun making your OCs! Because a character that wasn't fun to make won't be fun to write.**

 **2\. This will most likely be first-come first-serve basis, because I'm not looking for good characters. But I do appreciate diversity, so I will reject your character if there are 50 others like it. I only have 15 slots! (I've chosen Protagonist already)**

 **3\. Okay plz don't be related to canon characters. I know that's a huge Mary-Sue trait but I'll have to disallow that one.**

 **4\. Magical powers are allowed, but will be more-or-less nullified for the sake of the story and for the sake of having the characters have hilarious emotional breakdowns over losing their "kawaii desu powers nya"**

 **5\. I might accept a normal character so that they can suffer.**

 **6\. Yes, fruits or vegetables are allowed. Just no Tomatoes or Pineapples. And only 1.**

 **7\. Send as many characters as you like (Just not like, 27. Please.) But If I (for some reason) get a lot of submissions, I'll probably only take one.**

 **8\. I can and will ship submitted characters. You character is most likely going to be shipped with someone totally incompatible. Keep this in mind when making a beautiful, smart, lovely, kind girl with double D boobs and big kawaii eyes.**

 **9\. Characters from PMs only.**

 **Form will be in profile.**

* * *

 **Name (as long as you want):**

 **Nickname (If they have an excessively long name):**

 **Gender (Any gender is fine. They can identify as an attack helicopter, but will still be human, just saying.):**

 **Age (any age you want):**

 **SHSL/Ultimate (Any except for canon talents):**

 **Sexuality (Anything goes):**

 **Personality (List traits. Don't write long, winding beautiful descriptions...unless you're doing it intentionally to describe a Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu.):**

 **Appearance (Have fun! All hair colors and lengths will be allowed. Heterochromia is encouraged. Make sure to tell me if they're tall/short, thin/fat, though.):**

 **Clothing (They will never change outfits. Ever. Except for the random swimming scene out of nowhere. So just write one outfit.):**

 **Backstory (Go wild. All insane backstories are encouraged.):**

 **Quotes (Tell me how they speak. Weaboo speak? Screwed up letters? Everything has the words "desu desu" at the end? I must know.):**

 **Are they more likely to commit murder, or be murdered?:**

 **Weapon of Choice (for da murders bro):**

 **Execution ideas (I will PM you for a proper execution. But if I can't reach you, I'll take an idea and run with it.):**

 **Do you have any regrets abut making this character, now that you've reached the end of the form?:**


	2. castz listz

**Our cast list!**

 **No, this isn't an update. I've been busy. But I had to update a name and talent...**

 **You can probably tell what was updated.**

 **Currently working on chapter one.**

* * *

 **MALES:**

1\. Ricku God desu Martian Batholemew Posperos Ritardande Hasubando Kun Sempai Swagmaster 3.0 Sama (Not Really) Meme Bagels Oriaka Ukkokihs AiLoveKibou -Ultimate Asshat - The entire group of We don't know what we're doing

2\. Grizzlemaw the Furious- Ultimate Wizard Bear - Shaggy Rower

3\. Sidney- Ultimate Cripple -A Wild Morgan Freeman Appeared

4\. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmit- Ultimate Spokesperson - 0B13

5\. Ilagigigo Fullthrottle - Ultimate Car Crasher - Dash master 48

6\. MLG MEMEMASTER SWAGBOT "DIO BRAWNDO" PARTYCORN THE 9001ST AKA THE THIRST MUTILATOR AKA SUPER SUGOI BISHIE BISHONEN THE BAZILLIONTH, THE THIRD SEQUEL NOBODY ASKED FOR, ILL HAVE TWO NUMBER NINES SUPER SUGOI WIELDER OF THE 1000000000 DEGREE KNIFEFU FOR LAIFU, PINEAPPLE APPLE PINEAPPLEAPPLEORANGEPEN BROTHER YOU GET NO OATS, MAI BOI, BAGGER OF NEBBIES EVERYWHERE DANGITNEBBIEGETINTHEFRIGGINBAG A NUMBER 9 LARGE THELEGENDBUTITSTHELEGEND28 WANTS TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS BUT IS TOO TSUNDERE TO LET ANYONE SHOW HIM, THE OATS WERE ALWAYS A LIE YOU FOOL, BORKIMCBORKSONLORDOFTHEPUPPIES THE THIRD COMING OF THE ORIGINAL DANK, HALF LIFE 3 AND GOOGLE AAAAAAAAAAAA, INCARNATE A NUMBER 6 WITH EXTRA DIP THE TOAST IN MOUTH PERSON ALWAYS FASHIONABLY L8 4 DAT SKOOL IT WAS ME SWAGBOT IT WAS ME ALL ALONG WHY AM I DOING THIS GOD OF DABBING DEREDERETSUNYANKOOKAMIHIMECOOUNMAYAKOODANSANKWEEDDERELORD FRIENDSHIP OVERLORD FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION THAT IS THE ORIGINAL WORST SYOC EVA HOT DANIEL THE TRUCK 10/10 BOTTLE FLIPPER BEST WAIFU IN THE SERIES YOU CANT SEE ME, MEME GOD HASHSWAG, YOU CAN'T KILL A GOOD SWAGMASTER, HE WILL NEVER EVER DIE, GIVE ME YOUR SPIRIT BOMB A NUMBER 7 PLAWT ARMOUR BELIEVE IN THE SELF WHO BELIEVES IN YOU WHO DOESNT BELIEVE IN ME WHO BELIEVES IN YOU KAWAII LOLI HASUBANDO BUT NOT REALLY LOL MEGAMECHA GUNDAM-GUNDAM SENPAI KUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN SENPAI, OBLIVIOUS Y U HAVE NO CLUE U ARE BEING HIT ON!? HE IS THE CHILDHOOD FRIEND WHO HAS STALKED YOU FOR A BILLION YEARS KAZOO KID SENPAI TWO NUMBER 45S HIS STOMACH IS A BOTTOMLESS BLACK HOLE AND HIS APPETITE HAS CRIPPLED NATIONS THERE IS NO ONII CHAN TONIGHT YOUR CAKE WAS ALWAYS A LIE MY BOY THIS DANK IS WHAT ALL TRUE WARRIORS DON'T STRIVE FOUR THIS IS THE THIRD TIME WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN ONE WITH CHEESE THESE GET LONGER EVERY TIME AND A LARGE SODA JAWN FRIGGIN CHOSEN ONE CENA THE ONE TRUE INHERITOR OF THE DANK THE SPOOPY SCARY SKELETOPNS HAVE INVITED JACK AND NOW ITS A REAL NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS_xxX - SUPER DUPER HIGH (School Level) AS THE SKY BECAUSE SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY SCHOOL LEVEL 9001 ROBOT TERMINATOR MEMELORD ANIME PROTAGONIST EVEN THOUGH HES NOT THE PROTAGONIST - Rest In Darkness

7\. Timmy Tommy Thompson - Ultimate Rapper - SirNiceGuy

8\. Duke Prickleton The Third Esquire- Ultimate Plant - BlueTanaka

 **FEMALES:**

1\. Madam Bearingson 5000-Ultimate Navy Officer -HyperBrachydios

2\. Annie Belafonte - Ultimate Catgirl - SirNiceGuy

3\. Ebooby Quaysha - Ultimate Goff - DreadAngelus

4\. Amiletta Springett - Ultimate Artist - Tario Ed

5\. Nakama Friendu - Ultimate Friend - SwiftLightDTG

6\. Elizabeth the Bloody the Third - Ultimate Vampire - TrulyConfused

7\. Era Hower Dayzey Seesan Tyme - Ultimate Time Stopper - Tsumugine

8\. Charity Taylor - Ultimate Hipster Trash - A CERTAIN SOUSUKE KIRIGIRI WHO I'M ONLY ACCEPTING BECAUSE I HAVE A METHOD OF CONTACT WITH HIM OUTSIDE OF FANFICTION A.K.A. "The Succ"

* * *

"Holy fuk. I regret this already"

"saem"

* * *

 **Done**

 **I regret this**

 **Who looks the most interesting?**


	3. Introducctions purt 1

**So because I'm too lazy to write a long chapter, I'll be introducing 8 randomly now, 8 randomly later.**

* * *

Hi. My name is Ricku God desu Martian Batholemew Posperos Ritardande Hasubando Kun Sempai Swagmaster 3.0 Sama (Not Really) Meme Bagels Oriaka Ukkokihs AiLoveKibou. But that's a really shitty name so I just like going by Oriaka, even though it's not even remotely close to my first name.

Oriaka Ukkokihs is totally not the name of someone backwards. Not at all. And definitely not the name of a co-author in this account.

Shut up! It's not!

I'm not really sure how old I am but I think I'm a teenager. Otherwise I wouldn't be an angsty person.

People say my word choices are like an angsty teenage girl is writing a bad fanfic, despite me identifying as "notapsychologist"

So anyways I was invited to this place called da best epic skool for cool peoppls ever. It know, shitty name, right?

Anyways everyone there has an Ultimate talent or whatever. My talent is the Ultimate Asshat. What kind of talent is that?

Juuuuust because I got in a fight with like everyone in my old school called Mode does not mean that I'm an asshat!

So what if I hurt the feelings of some girl who was emotionally dependent on me? Her mistake, not mine!

Anyways it's the first day and I have to meet my classmates. Hopefully they won't bitch at me like everyone else in School Mode did.

* * *

I passed out and then I woke up in a classroom or something with my head on a desk like a protagonist of a bad game.

"What the hell?" I got out of the desk and left the classroom because there was nothing worth looking at.

I walked around until I found a big entrance place thingie. I guess I was in da best epic skool for cool peoppls ever.

There were 15 other...things at the entrance.

"ROARRR!" A giant-ass bear yelled at me.

"What the fuck." I said.

"Wtf man, don't scare the guy off, hashtag lol!" A girl with obnoxious pink hair with neon orange on the ends said. But damn she was hot-

"Hi hi nakama! Welcome nakama!" A blonde girl with pink clothes screamed loudly.

I turned around to leave.

"You're gonna leave now? Brought to you by Geico. I mean, we're your classmates, man! Brought to you by Staples." A voice scolded me.

"Fine. I'll stay. But only because I have nothing better to do."

"good nakama! introduce yourself nakama!"

"I'm Ricku God desu Martian Batholemew Posperos Ritardande Hasubando Kun Sempai Swagmaster 3.0 Sama (Not Really) Meme Bagels Oriaka Ukkokihs AiLoveKibou. Call me Oriaka."

"But Oriaka isn't your first name. Brought to you by MyPillow."

"You are a piece of shit and don't deserve to live." I replied.

"Yo man, you gonna tell us your talent?" Some super-pale guy asked.

"I'm the Ultimate Asshat. Though I totally don't deserve it."

"Seems like it's deserved to me-ow!" A weird girl with a tail said.

"No one cares about your opinion, you stupid furry."

"Me-ouch!"

* * *

The first person I walked to was a giant brown bear with a pointy wizard hat glued on it's head.

"Ggghhrrraaawwwww."

"What the hell."

Suddenly something buzzed in my pocket. I took out my phone. Except it had no lockscreen. And it wasn't a phone.

Student profile updated!

I clicked on "profiles."

* * *

 **Grizzlemaw the Furious, AKA: Grizzle B**

 **Ultimate Wizard-Bear**

* * *

…

…

…

What kind of fucking talent is that?

* * *

The next person was a short blonde guy with singed hair, in a wheelchair, wearing a mask.

Never did I think I'd have to think that sentence.

"I WILL ROLL THIS WHEELCHAASAAIR ATRAIGHT WHERE THE. USN NT SHNIE"

"What?"

"*INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCREAMING*"

"What?"

"*INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCREAMING*"

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **Sidney, AKA: *INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCREAMING***

 **Ultimate Cripple**

* * *

Why are there so many bears at this school?

The next person was a bear with light brown fur, wearing nothing but that fur. Would be considered public nudity if not for the fact that she was a bear.

"I have crippling depression. Rawr. Rawrrrrr."

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **Madam Bearingson 5000, AKA: Emily**

 **Ultimate Navy Officer**

* * *

A...A Navy Officer?

How the fuck did a bear become a Navy officer?

I need marshmallows.

* * *

The next guy was the one that asked me about my talent earlier. He was super pasty-white. He was pretty tall, and pretty well-muscled, with blonde hair in a buzz cut, with a bit of a beard, and icy blue eyes. He also had a humongous tattoo on his back of a gangsta rabbit, with a green cap and chains hanging around its neck. He had a black backwards baseball cap thing going on. He had a black wife beater shirt with the words "THUG LIFE" stamped in Comic Sans font both on the front and back. He had jeans with holes, and Larry Blackmon's famous red codpiece. He had the white, falling-apart sneakers going on, and he even had the obligatory gold chains hanging around his neck.

"If you ain't here to check my mixtape, then jack off. It's fire, yo!"

"...Are you sure you're not the Ultimate Asshat? I think I have the wrong title." I replied.

But hey, at least he was a human that spoke...some twisted form of English.

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **Timmy Tommy Thompson, AKA: Young Rock**

 **Ultimate Rapper**

* * *

Huh... I guess his talent actually makes sense. That's...nice? I guess?

"Imma show you da REAL thug life! Don't forget it!" He yelled at me.

"What the fuck. Leaving."

* * *

The next person was the guy that said my name wasn't Oriaka, when it's clearly printed on my birth certificate. His hair was dark cyan, in an emo-looking cut covering one of his eyes. His eyes were pink. Well, the one I could see was, anyways. His skin was like super red and sunburned.

He wore a hat with the letters "RWBY" on the front, a pink hoodie with a picture of the Crunchyroll symbol, had a black shirt with a yellow arrow and the words "In N' Out" on it, and wore dark cyan jogging pants with a symbol of the NFL on the right leg. He also had black Nike running shoes.

"I'm John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. Brought to you by the local hospital. And Wendy's."

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **John Jacob Jinglehimer Schmidt, AKA: John**

 **Ultimate Spokesperson**

* * *

"Nice to meet you. Brought to you by Chiaki Nanami's quote writers."

"...You realize nobody's gonna fall for that advertisement shit, right?"

"I don't care. Brought to you by Arby's."

* * *

The next guy I went to (Why I went to talk to so many guys is a mystery.) was definitely older than a high school student. He looked 32 or something.

He had short cobalt hair with black tips, with indescribable eyes. He was of average height (Meaning I towered over him because for some reason I'm tall as fuck despite being Asian) and he was kinda thin.

He wore a tattered black T-Shirt with a silver chain necklace stained with blood, short grey pants, and blood covered white sneakers.

Edgy fuck.

"Yo, this is Ilagigigo Throttlefull, please to you meet."

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **Ilagigigo Fullthrottle**

 **Ultimate Car Crasher**

* * *

What kind of talent is that? Remind me to never lend him my car.

Except I can't drive.

* * *

The next person was a girl. She had black hair, pale skin, long red nails, fake fangs and red contacts, with way too much emo makeup.

She was wearing a pair of fishnet stockings on the legs and a black tank top with some random lame ass band like BOTDF and a red skirt.

"Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm a goth and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eyeshadow."

"Wh- What the fuck. That's not what you're wearing at all."

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **Ebooby Quaysha**

 **Ultimate Goff**

* * *

"Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!"

"Leaving now, never speak again. Bitch."

"STOP FLAMING ME PREP!1 OMG! Also like the next gurl ur gunna meet 22ly stealed my talent!"

* * *

The next girl was the one who had the annoying hair colors that told Grizzle B to shut up earlier.

She had a thin hour glass figure on point and she was like 6 feet tall, making her about my height (holy shit). She had snake like pupils that were green in the light. Her hair was light pink and dipped dyed neon orange, reaching her feet and was totally curly like little drills. Her skin was like a transparent white.

Actually still pretty hot tbh, but kinda creepy now that I've got a closer look.

She was wearing a fancy puffy dress. It was gold and trimmed red and had a skirt that puffs out and went to her feet. She had black high heel leather boots and black elbow gloves. The dress had pearls and diamond sewn into it all over, with a tiara that had an abnormal amount of gemstones. Enough to probably bash my skull in if I tried to wear it.

I wouldn't try to wear it. That's gay.

"I'm the queen of vampires LoL."

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **Elizabeth the Bloody the Third, AKA Elizabeth the Bloody**

 **Ultimate Vampire**

* * *

"Could you speak in proper English? 'lol' isn't even a word."

"STFU bitch!"

* * *

I think I'm going to crawl into a corner until the next chapter. I'm scared of the rest of them.

They're all TOTALLY going to be insane.

* * *

 **Oriaka-Kun originally started off as being a parody of my friend but at this point Oriaka's just a douchebag**

 **So which introduction did you like best?**


	4. introducctions purt 2

**Nyla: Oriaka?**

 **Oriaka: What**

 **Nyla: You have to get out of that corner, we need to finish the introductions.**

 **Oriaka: No**

 **Nyla: I am the author and can force you to.**

 **Also lol there's only 7 intros because I miscounted characters rip Ny**

* * *

Some strange mystical force pushed me out of the corner, so I had to continue introductions.

I walked to an average-looking girl who was slightly chubby, with light blue hair in a pixie cut, with the front being longer than the back, kind of like a hairstyle from an infamous hentai anime. One of her eyes were light blue, and the other one was purple. There was a mole under one of them.

She wore like a brown tuxedo thing that was very steampunk oriented and a long tailcoat. She had a long red cape and a brown top hat with a red feather in it. She wore knee-high boots, with clock hand earrings. Her clothes were covered in random gears.

"Hi...Nice to meet you…"

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **Era Hower Dayzey Seesan Tyme, AKA: Era**

 **Ultimate Time Stopper**

* * *

"Is that even a talent?"

"...I am more than five thousand years old... I come from... 3113 BCE..."

"Bullshit. Prove it."

"...Well..." Era yawned. "My powers seem to be nullified...For just a few minutes ago, I witnessed my body change slightly... Perhaps I am able to age, though I highly doubt it..."

"What's with the ellipses?"

"I'm gay."

* * *

Welp, Era's weird as shit.

The next girl I spoke to had white blonde hair that went down to her midback. She was pretty busty and kind of curvy. She was pretty tall and on the line between thin and chubby, and she had very deep, soul-staring purple eyes.

Her outfit consisted of a pink sweater vest over a white dress shirt. She had a knee length skirt that was black and had pink colored polka dots, with brown boots and a light pink ribbon on top of her head.

"Hello hello Nakama! Nice to meet you Nakama!"

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **Nakama Friendu, AKA: Nakama-XD**

 **Ultimate Friend**

* * *

"It...Nice to meet you too?"

"I am pleased to become your friend Nakama!"

"My name isn't Nakama, you idiot. It's Oriaka."

"Goodbye Nakama-Kun~" She walked away.

* * *

I decided to take a break, because Nakama's pure sugariness made me feel sick. I sat down by a tiny cactus, the kind you'd put on your windowsill.

Student profile updated!

...What the fuck?

* * *

 **Duke Prickleton The Third Esquire, AKA: Prickly**

 **Ultimate Plant**

* * *

One of my classmates is a fucking cactus.

"*menacing glare*"

And a cactus just glared at me.

* * *

Scarred for life from my experience with Prickly, I decided to walk to the most normal-looking person that I hadn't met.

She was of average build but not toned at all, with her stomach protruding out slightly. Other than she had a moderate build with many curves. She has hazel eyes and bright orange hair in a wavy manner which goes just beyond her shoulders. She had a small braid on the left side of her face, with fair skin and a small mole underneath her left eye.

She wore a black mini-skirt, in which the stitches were on the brink of bursting. Her white blouse was tucked in and the buttons were about to pop. She wore a draping gray cardigan with many colors of paint splashed on the cardigan. She had black tights and black shoes. Her cardigan had four packets each filled with artistic equipment.

"From the untrained eye that is how it looks...but my eyes see all..." She muttered. Noticing me, she looked up and gave a kind smile. "Nice to meet you! You seem to be a normal person...compared to everyone else. After all, Prickly over there is a student." She giggled.

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **Amiletta Springett, AKA: Amy**

 **Ultimate Artist**

* * *

"Nice to meet someone who hasn't tried to yell at me or call me an asshat or scared me in general."

"Well, they're calling you that because it's your talent, right?"

"Just because it's my talent doesn't mean I am one!"

"I didn't say you were." Amy shrugged. "Do you have any idea where the kitchen is?"

"Nope."

"Aw. But that's okay. Now go finish introducing yourself. We can talk later." Amy gave a wave and walked away.

* * *

The next person I encountered was the person that made all those cat puns earlier. Those very painful puns.

She had long, flowing blue hair with blue cat ears poking out. She was pretty tall (at least, in my standards) and I could see a blue tail. Her skin was kind of pale, nothing too wacky, and while her left eye was green, her right eye had this weird copper-color going on.

She wore a white seifuku with dark blue accents and a red ribbon, including some super-long stockings that went up to her thighs, paired with some white slippers.

"Konichiwa, senpai! Please _nya_ otice me!"

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **Annie Belafonte, AKA: Neko-Chan**

 **Ultimate Catgirl**

* * *

"...You've been noticed?"

"Nya~ You've made me very happy, Oriaka-Kun!" She...purred? "Have you seen up some of these girl's skirts? I mean, just look at Ebooby and Elizabeth!"

I didn't look at them.

"Are you some perverted fuck?"

"Only as perverted as an average tee _nya_ ger like you, Oriaka-Kun~" She joked. "But since I've been _nya_ oticed, I'll go somewhere else now~"

* * *

I don't like anybody here.

The next guy was-

He can only be described by caps lock and present tense.

HE IS A ROBOT GUY WITH A METAL UNICORN HEAD VERSION OF A HORSE HEAD MASK AND RAINBOW HEADLIGHTS WHERE HIS EYES ARE THAT SHOOT RAINBOW LASERS AND RAINBOWS FLASHING OUT OF HIS EYES LIKE SPOTLIGHTS AND HE HAS GOLD TEETH THAT IS NOT A GRILL AND HIS UNICORN DOUBLES AS A KEBAB AND HIS EARS ARE RAISED HE WEARS AVIATOR SUNGLASES OVER HIS RAINBOW EYES AND IF YOU LOOK INTO THEM YOU CAN SEE THE COSMOS. DANK IS CARVED INTO HIS ROBOT FOREHEAD IN RED LETTERS HIS CHEST IS A LITERAL VENDING MACHINE THAT ONLY HAS MOUTAIN DEW AND DORITOS IN THE TOP AND BOTTOM ROWS RESPECTIVLY HIS MOUTH ALSO HAS A SNIPER RIFLE BARREL COMING OUT OF IT BECAUSE THERE IS A BUILT IN SNIPER RIFLE IN THERE WITH AUTOMATIC QUICKSCOPE HE WEARS PIXALATED SUNGLASSES OVER HIS AVIATOR GLASSES SWAGBOT WEARS A FEDORA AND OVER THE FEDORA WEARS A BASEBALL HAT THAT SAYS #SWAG ON IT HE IS COVERED IN BENJAMINS THEY ARE EVERYWHERE AROUND HIM AND ENDLESSLY SPAWN FROM HIS MAJESTIC BEING. HIS RIGHT ARM IS SONIC X BUT A ROBOT AND THE SONIC MOUTH HAS HIS HAND IN IT AND THERE IS A DUEL DISK ON HIS OTHER ARM BECAUSE HE IS READY TO DDDDDDDD DUEL AND HE IS ADDICTED TO DABBING AND IS INFUSED WITH NANOMACHINES SON. AND HE HAS CANNONS ON HIS SHOULDERS THAT FLIP EXPLODING MLG BOTTLES THAT SPREAD DANK VIRUS. HE ALSO COMES WITH SPEAKERS ON HIS VENDING MACHINE SO HE CAN FLASH MOB DAB AND HIS WHOLE BODY HAS BEEN DEEP FRIED AND HE HAS FLAMETHOWERS COMING OUT HIS BACK PERMANANTLY WRITING MLG RELATED THINGS BEHIND HIM AND HE HAS BONGS GLUED TO HIS ARMS AND LEGS WITH CRAZY GLUE AND HIS EARS ARE AIRHORNS AND THERE IS A RAINBOW LIVING FROG PLUSHIE LIVING IN HIS VENDING MACHINE A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF SNOOP DOG IS RIDING THOMAS THE DANK ENGINE AND SWAGBOT SMOKES A BLUNT 420 FEET LONG AND WEED SOMKE COMES OUT EVERY HOLE IN HIS BODY AND HE HAS MR KRABS OVERALLS ON THE BACK OF THOMAS AND LILLIES BAG OVER HIS LEFT SHOULDER WITH A NEBBY IN IT AND HE WEARS A FEDORA AND HAS AN ILLUMINATI SYMBOL ON HIS CHEST AND ON THOMAS' FOREHEAD HE WEARS A DANK OVERSIZED HOODIE WITH HALF LIFE 3S SYMBOL ON THE BACK AND A PICTURE OF GABEN ON THE FRONT AND HE WEARS SUPER TIGHT LEATHER PANTS WITH YOLO WRITTEN ON THE BOTTOM EVEN THOUGH HIS LEGS ARE A TRAIN HE ALSO HAS A TROLL FACE MASK AROUND HIS NECK AND IS FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH 8/10 TOO MUCH WATER HIS RIGHT ARM IS A SKELETONS AND THERE IS A DISK PLAYER THAT ONLY PLAYS GOODLE AAAAAAA BELOW HIS VENDING MACHINE HE WIELDS A GIANT SWORD THAT IS ACTUALLY A BAGUETTE AND HAS A SCREEN ON HIS VENDING MACHINE THAT IS A TELETUBBIES AND AN EPIC FACE IS HIS LEFT HAND COMING OUT SONICS MOUTH ALSO WEARS A LEATHER JACKET AND HAS TWO TERMINATOR HEADS GROWING OUT HIS SHOULDERS. ONE WITH BLUE EYES AND ONE WITH RED.

HE HAS NO LEGS HIS BOTTOM HALF IS THOMAS THE DANK ENGINE AND THOMAS ALSO WEARS PIXALATED SUNGLASSES AND IS SMOKING A BLUNT WITH A BASEBALL HAT THAT SAYS #MLG ON IT

THERE'S ALSO A BLUNT IN HIS MOUTH AND HE'S WEARING PIXALATED SUNGLASSES.

"Did you hear that. That was me taking out the garbage. That was a metaphor. You are the garbage. I AM THE TRUCK VROOOOOOOOMMMMMM EERRRRRRRR!" His voice was a monotone. Which really contradicted with what he was saying.

"...What. The. Fuck."

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **MLG MEMEMASTER SWAGBOT "DIO BRAWNDO" PARTYCORN THE 9001ST AKA THE THIRST MUTILATOR AKA SUPER SUGOI BISHIE BISHONEN THE BAZILLIONTH, THE THIRD SEQUEL NOBODY ASKED FOR, ILL HAVE TWO NUMBER NINES SUPER SUGOI WIELDER OF THE 1000000000 DEGREE KNIFEFU FOR LAIFU, PINEAPPLE APPLE PINEAPPLEAPPLEORANGEPEN BROTHER YOU GET NO OATS, MAI BOI, BAGGER OF NEBBIES EVERYWHERE DANGITNEBBIEGETINTHEFRIGGINBAG A NUMBER 9 LARGE THELEGENDBUTITSTHELEGEND28 WANTS TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS BUT IS TOO TSUNDERE TO LET ANYONE SHOW HIM, THE OATS WERE ALWAYS A LIE YOU FOOL, BORKIMCBORKSONLORDOFTHEPUPPIES THE THIRD COMING OF THE ORIGINAL DANK, HALF LIFE 3 AND GOOGLE AAAAAAAAAAAA, INCARNATE A NUMBER 6 WITH EXTRA DIP THE TOAST IN MOUTH PERSON ALWAYS FASHIONABLY L8 4 DAT SKOOL IT WAS ME SWAGBOT IT WAS ME ALL ALONG WHY AM I DOING THIS GOD OF DABBING DEREDERETSUNYANKOOKAMIHIMECOOUNMAYAKOODANSANKWEEDDERELORD FRIENDSHIP OVERLORD FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION THAT IS THE ORIGINAL WORST SYOC EVA HOT DANIEL THE TRUCK 10/10 BOTTLE FLIPPER BEST WAIFU IN THE SERIES YOU CANT SEE ME, MEME GOD HASHSWAG, YOU CAN'T KILL A GOOD SWAGMASTER, HE WILL NEVER EVER DIE, GIVE ME YOUR SPIRIT BOMB A NUMBER 7 PLAWT ARMOUR BELIEVE IN THE SELF WHO BELIEVES IN YOU WHO DOESNT BELIEVE IN ME WHO BELIEVES IN YOU KAWAII LOLI HASUBANDO BUT NOT REALLY LOL MEGAMECHA GUNDAM-GUNDAM SENPAI KUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN SENPAI, OBLIVIOUS Y U HAVE NO CLUE U ARE BEING HIT ON!? HE IS THE CHILDHOOD FRIEND WHO HAS STALKED YOU FOR A BILLION YEARS KAZOO KID SENPAI TWO NUMBER 45S HIS STOMACH IS A BOTTOMLESS BLACK HOLE AND HIS APPETITE HAS CRIPPLED NATIONS THERE IS NO ONII CHAN TONIGHT YOUR CAKE WAS ALWAYS A LIE MY BOY THIS DANK IS WHAT ALL TRUE WARRIORS DON'T STRIVE FOUR THIS IS THE THIRD TIME WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN ONE WITH CHEESE THESE GET LONGER EVERY TIME AND A LARGE SODA JAWN FRIGGIN CHOSEN ONE CENA THE ONE TRUE INHERITOR OF THE DANK THE SPOOPY SCARY SKELETOPNS HAVE INVITED JACK AND NOW ITS A REAL NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS_xxX,**

 **AKA: SWAGBOT DANKTASTIC WHITE RANGER OF ALL THINGS DANK, SWAGMASTER OF ALL #SWEG AND 1337 SUPREME KING OF THE MEMES AND THE SWAG, NOT THE OG SWAGMASTER 4 LYFE, LORD OF THE PARTY, AND THE DEFENDER OF THE FORCES OF MLG EVERYWHERE. aka SWAGBOT or Dio Brawndo**

 **Ultimate: SUPER DUPER HIGH AS THE SKY BECAUSE SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY SCHOOL LEVEL 9001 ROBOT TERMINATOR MEMELORD ANIME PROTAGONIST EVEN THOUGH HES NOT THE PROTAGONIST**

* * *

I turned around and ran away.

* * *

The very last student was a teenage girl with long red hair with some faded white tips, with pale skin and was slightly skinny

She wore a plaid shirt with skinny jeans, glasses without any lenses, and a Fedora.

"Well, aren't you just a Wisenheimer." She grumbled under her breath. "You're nothing more than an Abercrombie."

"What?"

"You heard me. All you do is bump gums. Sit on it, pal."

Student profile updated!

* * *

 **Charity Taylor, AKA: Chare**

 **Ultimate Hipster Trash**

* * *

"...What the fuck?"

She took a deep breath. "Sorry I'm all frosty. I haven't had Starbucks in like, ever. But I haven't got any cheddar for it, and there isn't one in here. I totally kirked out on ya." She groaned.

"...I have no idea what you're saying."

"Horsefeathers. You really are all show and no go." She groaned.

I decided the best option was to walk away.

* * *

Well, that was totally pointless. I went back to sitting in a corner.

The monitor in the entrance flickered on and a voice spoke.

"Testing! Testin- Oh, fuck it. Get your asses over to the gym so I can begin watching you guys kill each other and go through excessively long free time events."

?W?H?A?T?I?S?H?A?P?P?E?N?I?N?G?

* * *

 **lololololololoololololol**

 **Anyways, three questions.**

 **1\. Which intro from this half of the chapter was your favorite?**

 **2\. Which intro overall was your favorite?**

 **3\. I actually have no idea what the mono-creature is gonna be. Shoot me some ideas. Just no bunny/bear/dinosaur combination. That's used.**


	5. o noes we has to keel?

**I'm not dead, guys.**

* * *

I have decided that I hate everybody here.

A second after deciding that, the intercom rang and a voice came out from it.

It was really weird. Super deep but with a high-pitched squawking quality. Like a hippo had a parrot's voice spliced into it.

"Get your asses to the gym."

Everyone in the room went silent.

"This shit again. I said, GET YOUR FUCKING ASSES TO THE GYM!"

The intercom shut off.

"Well fuck you too, asshat!" I yelled back.

"Your one 2 talk, fukin prep hypocrite!" Ebooby shouted at me.

"Oriaka's whole existence is making me all frosted." Chare grumbled under her breath.

"What the hell's that supossed to mean?" I said back.

"Stop the fighting Nakama! Let's all stay calm and happy and friendly Nakama!" Nakama attempted to stop the fighting. It wouldn't have worked, but the intercom turned back on again.

"STOP FUCKING FIGHTING AND GO TO THE GYM! Bloody hell, they don't pay me enough for this shit…"

The speaker shut off.

"Let's just go to the gym like the demented voice said. Brought to you by State Farm." John told everyone. We all decided to listen to him because Chare and Ebooby were obviously trying to start a fight with me.

* * *

"...Well, here we are at the gym...Why were we instructed to come here…?" Era yawned as we looked around.

"WHEEEEEEEELCHAAAAAAIRS" Sidney rammed his wheelchair right into Annie, who meowed in anger.

"Meeeeouch!"

Grizzle B and Emily were appearing to have a conversation entirely made up of "GROOOOWL!"

Amy came up beside me. "What do you think's happening, Oriaka?"

"I don't know, or care."

Amy frowned a little. "You should care. Did you see anyone else while we were all going to the gym? Where are all the other students?"

"I didn't pay attention because I was too busy trying to avoid Chare and her stupid slang."

"...I see." Amy distanced herself from me, looking half annoyed and half insulted. I don't know why, I didn't say anything bad about her. Unless she has sympathy or some weird shit like that.

"Omg Oriaka, you're such an asshat! Lol! Insulting Charelike that, lol!" Elizabeth laughed at me.

"Fuck off, you stupid vampire."

"BURRRRRRNED!" Ilagigigo felt the need to scream.

Burned. Get it, because he crashes cars?

All of a sudden stupid music started blaring in the gym.

* * *

From behind a podium jumped out a…

What in the name of holy bagels was that?

It was like a hippo and a parrot had been spliced together. It was a huge creature, shaped like a hippo, but with a beak and covered in a gajillion rainbow feathers.

The hippo parrot thing took a minute to watch Sidney ram his wheelchair into numerous people.

"I deserve a pay raise." He sighed. "Ahem."

Nobody stopped moving or alking or whatever.

"AHEM! ASSHAT PROTAGONIST CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

"Who are you calling asshat?" I yelled back.

"You, the ULTIMATE ASSHAT!"

Everyone decided it was a good time to start paying attention to the hippo parrot.

"My name is Monohipparrot."

"Yo, can I use that name in my next mixtape?" Young Rock asked.

"No." Monohipparrot replied.

"WE GOT A BADASS HERE" Swagbot yelled in a monotone. Somehow.

"Holy fuck would all of you just shut up and kill each other?"

It got super quiet after Monohipparrot said that.

"What?" Amy asked, looking nervous.

"You're trapped in this godforsaken building and if you don't kill each other or some scripted shit you you'll never escape. Rules are in your handbook things if you've actually got a brain and want to read about it."

To my amusement, only Amy and John took out their e-handbooks.

"We have to kill each other!? Brought to you by In N' Out." John started to panic.

"No Nakama! We'll never kill each other because we'll all be friends Nakama!" Nakama cooed, flowers practically rising out of her.

…

…

…

…

If I kill anyone, Chare's the first to go.

* * *

 **oriaka wtf  
**

 **Plz vote on the free time event poll on my profile yo**


	6. vote on the poll, yo

**OMG AMY ISNT A MARY SUE CUZ SHEZ A SATANIST!1!**

 **Kidding. She isn't a satanist.**

 **She is, however, the only sane human being, so y'all should pity her. Or laugh at her suffering. That works too.**

* * *

"Wh- What the hell is this?"

Out of nowhere a voice spoke and then the hippo-parrot blew up.

A banana fell from the sky somehow and landed on the podium.

"IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME, PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!" a voice from the banana said.

"FRUIT CAN FUCK OFF!" Sidney yelled.

The banana blew up in an explosion of coconut cream pie.

A gorilla then fell down from a hole in the ceiling. "EXPAND DONG! HARAMBE!"

"Those memes!" Chare gasped in horror.

"Those memes are fire!" Young Rock yelled at Chare in response.

"Memes are very swaggy. WOOOOOOOOO" Swagbot said in a monotone.

"You-" Before Chare could finish her sentence, the gorilla transformed into a horse. The "Look at my horse" song started playing.

Amy was at a complete loss for words.

"BUT THIS FABULOUS HORSE FIGURE ISN'T MY TRUE FORM!" The horse sank into the wooden stage(?) and out rose a beautiful lion...with a dolphin head.

At this point Ilagigigo had somehow obtained a car and lit the lion on fire by crashing into it, using his prodigious talents of "Ultimate Car Crasher"

The lion dolphin screamed, then blew up. A random fish flew out of nowhere and landed on the podium, right on top of the microphone.

"Hi, I'm Monofish. I'm your new headmaster because I don't know what the heckity heck just happened."

And then a hawk flew in through a window that should have been boarded up and ate Monofish in one bite.

"I AM MONOHAWK! I MISREPRESENT AMERICA DESPITE THIS STORY TAKING PLACE IN JAPAN! GUNS ARE COOL AND SO IS EATING HAMBURGERS ALL DAY!"

"Please tell me that's the last creature. Brought to you by EA." John mumbled.

"I AM THE ULTIMATE, THE VERY LAST CREATURE! BECAUSE I AM AMERICA AND AMERICA THINKS THEY'RE SUPERIOR!" Monohawk screamed.

"We...Should be out of suggestions from the reviews...now..." Era said.

"What about the suggestion to meow-ake something purple?" Annie purred.

As a result Monohawk was somehow turned purple.

Out of nowhere a teenage girl appeared. "I'll decide on a proper Monocreature next chapter. Actually, I just wrote this chapter to promote voting on the free time poll, because I need a certain amount of voters for anything to seem like a representation of what the readers want." The teenage girl waved at the 'camera'. **"VOTE ON THE FUCKING FREETIME POLL OR YOU RISK BEING AN ASSHAT LIKE ORIAKA!"**

* * *

 **You heard my expy. Vote on the poll if you haven't.  
**


	7. oriaka's an asshat: freetime 1

**I honestly can't wait for the murder to happen**

 **Aaaaaaanyways**

 **Time for some non-existent character development because everyone here is a one-dimensional maniac**

 **Note: Prickly won't say anything, so I've combined his event with someone else's. Last thing we need is a repeat of "..." and "..." courtesy of the legacy of Tomato.**

* * *

Our favorite hawk with misplaced American values started yelling something about a bunny/bear/dinosaur stealing his job, so we decided to just run away. All of us. Even Prickly the cactus.

Because all of a sudden started hating each other, or maybe everyone just started hating me, (can't imagine why) we all explored the school by ourselves and then went to bed.

I woke up the next morning and walked to the dining hall.

Swagbot was eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew. Nakama had ramen. Ebooby was attempting to digest human blood. Elizabeth actually was digesting human blood. Young Rock was rapping, Ilagigigo was crashing into people, Annie had a raw fish, someone had given Prickly a drink of water, the bears were eating some sort of flesh I don't want to know together, and John plus Amy were eating name brand cereal. I didn't know where Era and Sidney were, nor did I care. Chare being the fucking hipster that she was, was drinking Starbucks somehow.

I sat down by John and Amy, because they seemed remotely sane. Neither of them offered me any cereal, despite having an extra bowl on the table, extra cereal in a box, and extra milk in a carton right beside them.

And they call me an asshat.

"Oh, I didn't notice you there, Oriaka. Want some cereal?" Amy smiled at me, pretending that I hadn't pissed her off yesterday or whatever. Honestly, optimistic people are stupid. They're almost always getting hurt and stuff.

"Judging by the way you're scarfing it down, I doubt there's any left for me." I gestured to all the fat at her stomach area.

Amy's smiled grew strained. "There's plenty left, because John is sponsored and gets free cereal."

At the mention of his name, John nodded his head at me and poured a bowl of cereal. Sure enough, there was hardly any left.

"Told ya." I smirked.

Amy's face turned slightly red, but John decided to back her up or some shit by pointing at Sidney, who had entered the dining hall and was laying in a giant pool of cereal. "Sidney is building a cereal beach. Brought to you by Eggo."

"WHEELCHAIRZ ND CEREL" Sidney yelled. "*INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCREAMING*"

Prickly joined Sidney in the beach of sugary marshmallows and bland oats. "*menacing glare*"

Era entered the dining hall, witnessed the scene in front of her, gave off a good round of "..." and turned around and walked away, muttering under her breath. "...All I wanted...was toast…"

* * *

After the fiasco that was breakfast, I sat in my room.

Okay, I hate everyone here, but I'm gonna bore myself to death if I don't talk to someone.

 **FREETIME**

* * *

On my way out of my room, I ran straight into Sidney, who crashed his wheelchair right into me.

* * *

 **FREETIME EVENT BEGIN: SIDNEY**

"What the fuck, man!"

"WHEEEEELCHAISRS"

"Is that all you can fucking say? Really?"

Sidney spun his wheelchair in circles. "ORIAKA'S A NOOOORMIE"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"ASSSSHAT!"

"Fuck you too!" I turned around to walk away.

Sidney then decided it would be a good time to ram his wheelchair into my back, using the full force of his unstable as shit engines on the wheelchair. He knocked me into the ground, laughing maniacally.

I roll over, groaning. "Shit, that hurt…"

Sidney, in his twisted state of mind, proceeded to roll me on the fucking ground with his wheelchair.

"Bastard! Stop rolling me!"

After a few minutes of rolling, where I could see nothing because we were moving so quickly, I found that Sidney had rolled me to the nurse's office.

"Oh...Thanks?"

"WHEELCHSIARS" Sidney blasted away.

…

What the fuck.

 **FREETIME END**

* * *

I walked into the nurse's office to grab bandages for my sustained injuries and some pain meds too.

Inside was Chare, muttering under her breath as she looked through cabinets.

* * *

 **FREETIME EVENT BEGIN: CHARE**

"What the hell are you doing in here" I asked, looking annoyed.

"Some goop decided to be a wisenheimer and give me fake Starbucks! I'm lookin' for an emetic to throw all of it out like a splifficated person who's had too much giggle juice."

"...The fuck?"

"Cook with gas for once in your life and help me look instead of just bumping your gums!"

"And what if I don't help you?"

"Then bone out, asshat."

"No can do. Looking for bandages and pain meds after a run-in with Sidney."

"Then get your stuff you scrub! And bag your face while you're at it." Chare threw an actual bag at me.

Inside the bag was an assortment of bandages.

"Thanks for the bandages."

"I didn't give them to you you motorized freckle! Stop dippin' in my Kool Aid."

"..." I didn't respond, going to the cabinets to look for meds.

While looking through, I found the bottle of emetic solution stuff. What Chare was looking for. I could give it to her…

With a shit-eating grin I stuffed it in my bag of bandages, along with the pain meds. Now she'll never find it. She doesn't deserve to throw up her bootleg Starbucks anyways. She'll just have to digest it.

 **FREETIME END**

* * *

I needed some water to take the medicine down with, so I made my way over to the kitchen to get some.

Inside the kitchen, Nakama was giving Prickly a drink of water.

* * *

 **FREETIME EVENT BEGIN: NAKAMA AND PRICKLY**

"Hello hello Nakama-Kun!" Nakama waved.

"My name is Oriaka."

"Sure thing Nakama-Kun Nakama!" She giggled, annoyingly.

"..." I went over to the sink and started to fill a glass.

"What's that Nakama? You think Nakama-Kun is an idiot?" I turned to look at Nakama, only to see her talking to Prickly.

"*Menacing glare*"

"And you hate...tomatoes Nakama? How can you hate tomatoes Nakama?" Nakama's hands dramatically shot to her mouth.

"..."

"Oh, I see Nakama! Too many fangirls and pineapple imposters Nakama!"

"What the fuck? There's no way he's saying any of that." I said, trying to wrestle open the bottle of medicine.

"Nakama-Kun has much to learn about the complicated processes of cactuses, Nakama." Nakama waved a finger in my face, those stupid Mary-Sue purple eyes practically burning holes in my soul.

"Shut up! Cactuses literally can't do shit! Why the hell is Prickly even a student anyways?"

All of a sudden a knife flew through the air and impaled the top of my hair. Nakama turned around and pouted at Prickly.

"Nakama! You shouldn't throw weapons like that Nakama! Nakama-Kun meant nothing by it, right Nakama-Kun?"

Now terrified, I forced a smile. "Sure, sure…"

Nakama went back to conversing with the cactus, so I took my bag of stuff and my glass of water, then ran out of the kitchen. I don't feel safe anymore.

 **FREETIME END**

* * *

I went into the dining room to take my pain medicine, but Swagbot was there, monotonously yelling things to himself, blocking the doorway from the kitchen to the dining room.

* * *

 **FREETIME EVENT BEGIN: SWAGBOT**

"KIIBO DA KIIBO DA KIIBO DA KIIBO DA KIIBO DA KIIBO DA KIIBO DA IM GONNA REPEAT THIS A COUPLE THOUSAND MORE TIMES!"

"...What?"

"ZETSUBOU DA ZETSUBOU DA ZETSUBOU DA ZETSUBOU DA ZETSUBOU DA ZETSUBOU DA AND THIS ONE TOO!"

I tried walking around him.

"#KAWAIIII SWAGG!"

Swagbot was wearing too much shit, so I couldn't walk around him.

"YOU'VE GAWT DAT RONG DESSSUUUUUUU #SWAG!"

"MOVE YOUR ASS!" I yelled.

"I DON'T HAVE A SENNPAIIIIII!"

"FUCK OFF!" I shouted in his face.

"#BLEHEHEHEHHEHEEELELELELELELLELELELE DESU-DESU SENPAI SAMA JAWN CENA DESSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! YOLO!"

I tried something else. "Look, I need to get out of here. Move."

"#ADASADFDI KEYBOARD CENA SMASH-DESU!"

"It's time to stop. Where are your parents?"

"#ITS TIME TO D-D-D-D-DDUDUDUDUHEFHEUUHDUIDIUHU DUEL! YOLO!" With those words, Swagbot ran away.

 **FREETIME END**

* * *

I finally got into the dining room, but somehow all the tables had been covered with random food and objects covered with sponsoring and branding. John was sitting in the middle of it all.

* * *

 **FREETIME EVENT BEGIN: JOHN**

"...What the hell is all this?"

"Sponsored foods and objects. Brought to you by greedy corporate advertisers."

"...Why?"

"It's my talent. I'm sponsored by everything so I get free objects, except for Starbucks, for some reason. Brought to you by not Starbucks."

As he said this, I heard Chare scream in agony some distance away.

"Isn't the school locked? How did you get all of it?"

"Monohawk brought it to me. Brought to you by...Monohawk."

"So what are you gonna do with this stuff?"

"Eat some of it. Brought to you by McDonalds."

"Can I help eat it so thee pain meds won't mess up my system?" Before John could deny, I took the meds.

"Sure. Brought to you by Dairy Queen." John held up a cup of ice cream.

John and I spent the next few minutes stuffing food in our faces. Man, so much better than the random instant shit everyone makes. Nothing like processed meats and fries that are more chemical than potato. Not to mention the good-old sugar filled sodas. And don't forget artificially sweetened ice cream!

I'd be a shitty advertiser.

Huh. I hung out with someone that I didn't end up hating by the end.

"By the way, don't touch the marshmallows, because I have to burn those. Brought to you by Akairo Arsoning Company."

"...Don't touch the marshmallows?"

John nodded.

"FUCK YOU!" I yelled, running out.

 **FREETIME END**

* * *

For the second time today, someone ran into me.

It was Amy.

* * *

 **FREETIME EVENT BEGIN: AMY**

"Oh my gosh, I'm sorry Oriaka!" She stood up, then offered me a hand.

I pushed it away.

"...Anyways, are you okay?"

"I was. Then I ran into you."

Amy's smile grew strained and the air grew awkward, for some reason.

"By the way, John's got a shiton of food in there."

"Really?" Amy's eyes lit up, and she looked excited.

"But I ate it all."

Amy's eyes lost the cliche sparkly thing and she frowned. "Oh."

"Sucks to suck." I did the finger guns thing.

"Right." Amy forced a smile again, looking mildly annoyed though I don't know why. "Do you know any good spots where I can draw?"

"No, and I don't care."

"That's okay, I can find a place myself." Amy waved it off, now just looking outright irritated. "Is it safe to go into the kitchen? I hear Prickly knows how to throw knives."

"Wait, how did you know?"

"Well, I got to know everybody while we were exploring. Isn't he good? And he's a cactus too!" She laughed.

"Good?! He nearly impaled me!"

Amy's smile transitioned into surprise. "He did? Yikes. But I don't think I'll do anything to make him mad." She raised an eyebrow at me while saying this. What's she trying to imply? "Anyways, see you Oriaka."

"I'd rather not." I gestured to her rather overweight form.

"...Right then."

 **FREETIME END**

* * *

Urgh, today was such a trainwreck. I just want to get some sleep-

"CAW! GO TO THE GYM, I HAVE FREE BURGERS FOR ALL YOU FAT LAZY AMERICANS! RIFLES! WOO!" Monohawk yelled over the intercom.

Dammit.

I walked to the gym, where there was a pile of envelopes. Shaped like burgers.

"CAW! NOBODY WILL KILL EACH OTHER LIKE AMERICA SHOULD! INSIDE THESE BURGER ENVELOPES, WILL BE SOMETHING YOU DEARLY LOVE THAT ISN'T IN HERE! IF YOU KILL ,YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GET IT BACK!"

Monohawk passed out envelopes with his beak. When I received mine, it smelled faintly of Monofish. I opened it.

 _Your dearest posession is:_

 _Nothing, because you drove away all your friends, including someone that loved you, and you drove away your family with all your isolation. I can't even give you marshmallows, your only love, because Akairo Arson Company requested them all. You asshat._

"Well fuck you too, Monohawk!"

* * *

 **It mentally pained me to write this chapter, especially all of Oriaka's insults to Amy, AKA the only sane girl.**

 **Okay okay, the first murder is going to happen next chapter. I hope y'all are ready.**

 **Question of the chapter: Who have you started shipping?**


	8. oh shucks there's a dead guy 1

**Noe: Murders are chosen by a randomizer and I have to come up with bullshit excuses as to why they died.**

 **Except this one. This was planned.**

 **I hope you guys didn't favor the victim too much.**

 **And I've kinda been shunning a lot of characters, lol, it's hard to make everyone stand out at the beginning of the fic, when there's so many cast members. So, apologies to: Ebooby, Era, Elizabeth, Young Rock, Ilagigigo (Who I've been avoiding because I can't type his name for shit), the bears, and Annie.  
**

 **This chapter is a clusterfuck.  
**

* * *

Everybody here is too stupid to kill anyone, anyways. Except Prickly. That cactus concerns me greatly.

I went to sleep without giving a shit.

* * *

"GOOD MORNING EVERYONE. EAT YOU BURGERS AND PICK UP YOUR RIFLES BEFORE NOON. MAKE SURE TO SPENT AT LEAST 6 HOURS TODAY SITTING AROUND IN A CHAIR COVERED IN GREASE. AMERICA!"

...I would have preferred Monofish. At least there isn't bad American stereotypes.

I went to the dining room for breakfast. Again, everyone was eating almost the exact same things as yesterday, except Amy and John, who each had a plate of defrosted waffles. Also Ebooby was eating Count Chocula with her human blood, and Era had gotten her toast.

Elizabeth slid into a chair at our table, a glass of thick red liquid that was probably blood in her hands. She twirled an overly long and unrealistic pink and orange curl. "gm asshat, fat gurl, and unclosable ad, lol."

Amy's face reddens at Elizabeth's words. "Good...Morning Elizabeth." Her teeth are clenched.

"Omg, we all no I'm totally better then the LIKES OF U! Stop tryin' to be all nice to every1 honey, because we all know you're just in here because Hope's Peak rejected u!"

...

Elizabeth has a point. Why is the likes of someone fairly normal like Amy in a place like...this school, instead of Hope's Peak?

Elizabeth giggles.

Amy hiccups, and I can see she's kinda close to crying. John senses this, but as he opens his mouth, Sidney comes barreling from behind Elizabeth. "EHEEEEEEEEELCHAIRS"

He rams right into Elizabeth's chair, sending the vampire flying into the air, spilling blood all over her dress. Good thing we have clones of all of our outfits in our rooms.

"OMG OMG OMG SIDNEY WTF IM GONNA KILL U!" She runs away, sobbing.

Chare, who had been witnessing this event, starts laughing. "That goop totally deserved it! I'm blowing my wig over this, this was too hilarious! And did ya see how John got all frosted? What a fry!"

"SUPER DUPER SWEG, YO." Swagbot puts on the MLG sunglasses.

"Is that the only word you know, you wecked scrub?" Chare frowns at Swagbot.

Chare and Swagbot start arguing and Amy+John are staring at the direction Elizabeth ran away in, so I help myself to John's waffles.

* * *

I was walking back into my room, but I nearly ran into Ebooby instead, who was entering her room.

"Hi Oriaka!" She said in a depressed (?) voice.

"Oh. Hey...?"

"My coffin is black ebony and inside it's hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends." She pointed to her bed that was definitely not a coffin.

"That's not a coffin-"

"I'm wearing a black leather shirt that shows off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that says Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not." She says.

"You're not wearing any of that. Though you're definitely a slut." I frown. "I'm going to my room."

"Fuckin' prep."

* * *

Around lunchtime I stepped out to get some food. To my surprise, only Era was there, silently eating a perfectly normal plate of food.

"...Hello Oriaka..."

"Where's everyone else?"

"...I...Don't know."

"Would it kill you to not pause at every sentence?"

"*Akairos*"

"Akairo-ing is the same thing as saying ..."

Before Era could speak again, Ilagigigo drove a fucking car through the door to the dining room, crashing it into a table. Young Rock was in the passenger seat, blasting shitty rap music.

"IS THAT YOUR ONLY FUCKING CHARACTER TRAIT?" I yelled at Ilagigigo.

The bears were in the backseat of the crashed car. They tumbled out, yelling "GRAGHHHHGH" The whole time.

Annie decided it was the perfect moment to enter. "NYAAAAAAAAAAA! WHERE'S THE FISH!?"

Era pointed to the kitchen, and Annie pounced inside.

Amy and John entered the dining hall side by side, but upon seeing the car, they both backed out.

All of a sudden Annie screamed.

* * *

All of us ran into the kitchen. Well, all of us who actually could respond to a scream like that.

Swagbot was there, laying on the ground.

Hacked to pieces with a kitchen knife.

"Well, shit."

* * *

 **Oriaka x Sidney. OTP, or NOTP?  
**

 **Also rip Swagbot, go ahead and debate on who the murderer is  
**


	9. oh shucks there's an execution 1

_***wheezes***_

 **I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore**

 **Also Sidney being called a tsundere made my day holy shit**

* * *

Panic ensued as everyone runs into the kitchen to see the hacked up Swagbot.

Sidney crashed his chair into the fridge repeatedly. Amy and John ran out, screaming. Nakama and Annie started sobbing. Ebooby and Elizabeth, being the bitchy vampire fucks they are, are laughing. The bears had each grabbed someone, Era and Ilagigigo, and had started shaking them. Young Rock started playing rap music with shitty sad lyrics. Everyone else more or less just walked out of the room, not wanting to deal with it, or being too stupid to deal with it.

I leaned over Swagbot and poke him. He's not even human.

A little carving on his back is labeled "In memory of Swagmaster, DA BEST SYOC EVA, chapters 1-23."

"SPOILERS!" I yelled at the tag.

* * *

Monohawk showed us an elevator that would lead to a trial room, and we all descended down it, monologuing the whole time.

A memey judgment... A memey deception... A memey betrayal... A memey riddle, a memey defense, a memey faith... A memey...class trial...!

"WELCOME TO THE CLASS TRIAL YOU STUPIFUCCS!" Monohawk yells as we arrive in the fancy trial room, with 16 stands. A sign with a black and white mugshot of Swagbot is in one of the stands, with two large red MLG signs forming an X over his face.

"So...What do we do?" Amy asked Monohawk.

"DEBATE ON WHO KILLED THE SWAGLORD!"

"So...let's start on who couldn't have done it. Brought you by the Knife Center." John suggested.

"Those with alibis are: Era, Ilagigigo, Young Rock, the Bears, Annie, Amy, and John. Oh, and me, of course." I said. "So that leaves: Sidney, Prickly, Ebooby, Elizabeth, Chare, and Nakama."

"What about Swagbot?" Elizabeth tilted her head. "Quite a sadistic one."

"Did that body look like a fucking suicide?!" I waved my hands around. "He hacked his own head off!"

"It was...VOLDEMORT!" Ebooby yelled.

"How was that related?" Amy looked at Ebooby strangely.

"...It is a dimension we do not understand..." Era mumbled.

"It was the goop's own fault for getting himself killed...What a date." Chare grumbled.

At this point everyone started arguing.

"QUIET!" Annie yelled. Everyone shut up and looked at her. Annie flicked her tail and sighed. "Sidnya has an idenya!" She pointed to Sidney.

Sidney proceeded to rapidly wheel around the trial circle, his wheelchair blazing fire as he did so.

"CRASH IT!" Ilagigigo yelled.

Elizabeth started whining. "OMG! Ur getting ash all over my dress! #Ew!"

The bears started growling and running around in circles, much like Sidney. Grizzle B shot a blast of lightning at Prickly, setting the little plant on fire. Nakama squealed and poured water on the plant.

"This is fire! Like my mixtape!" Young Rock felt the need to announce.

"Literally fire." Amy watched the scene unfold.

Sidney then crashed right into Chare.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEELCHIARS DID IT DFJHSGDLAL H WHEELCHAIRS *INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCREAMING*"

"Did he say 'did it'? Brought to you by wheelchair manufacturers." John asked.

"He's mentally unstable, he's probably just saying shit like always." I pointed to Sidney, who was now writhing on the ground.

"Let's all vote Nakama!" Nakama pointed at Chare.

"What?! You dolt, why would you do that?!" Chare shouted.

Before she could protest further, the voting switches popped out and everyone chose Chare. I didn't even know if Chare did it, but I didn't like her so I voted for her.

Monohawk is staring at the screen, looking appalled.

"HOLY SHIT YOUR RANDOM GUESS WAS RIGHT"

"WHAT?!" Chare started screeching at high volume. Lucky Prickly, he doesn't have ears.

"Why did you kill Swagbot?" Amy asked Chare admist the screaming.

"His shitty memes! OUT-FUCKING-DATED MEMES!" Chare groaned. "I wanted my Starbucks back. And I didn't like him. Two birds, one stone!"

"That is the stupidest fucking reason to kill someone I've ever heard." I said.

"PUNISHMENT TIME! PREPARE THE FIRING SQUAD!" Monohawk yells.

* * *

 ** _Chare is placed into an area that looks like the society of 1920's. A Monokuma dressed in an outfit from that time runs by with a sign._**

 ** _NON-ADAPTABLE FUTURE!_**

 ** _The scene changed to the 1930s. A few seconds later, the 1940s._**

 ** _The scene kept changing, getting faster and faster as it went through the years and stopped at 2092, where robots have taken over._**

 ** _Chare tried to stop it but she only had her old primitive technology and no reception whatsoever, and so she ends up getting smashed by the future._**

 ** _A cup of Starbucks coffee falls on her crushed corpse, the hot, shitty, overly expensive coffee spilling all over her._**

* * *

While everyone was sad I started cheering. I hated Chare.

* * *

 **oriaka you asshat  
**


	10. lets celebrate chares death

**Vote on the Free Time Event poll plz**

* * *

Everybody was mourning Chare, but why?

Nobody liked her.

Well, okay, I didn't like her.

I set up a party to commemorate her death, the very next morning after she died. There were balloons, streamers, and party horns. I set up a giant stack or marshmallow pancakes, because I can't bake for shit.

I hung up a giant banner saying "R.I.P CHARE".

When Amy walked in, her jaw dropped and she walked right out.

Everybody else flooded in. John just gave me a dirty look and he walked out too. Everyone else stayed. Elizabeth and Ebooby celebrated with me, because they were bitchy and didn't like Chare either.

Prickly threw knives at people. Nakama ate pancakes and cried for Chare. Young Rock had set up some loud shitty rap music. The bears made a mess of everything, getting marshmallows stuck in their fur. Ilagigigo was driving in circles in a car, with Sidney following him and somehow keeping up. Annie made shitty cat puns.

Nobody even remembered Swagbot.

When Era, the last one (who was always so slow because she had all the time in the world) walked in and I handed her pancakes, she sighed. "I just wanted toast..."

* * *

 **I ship Era x Toast.  
**

 **Now that you're done with this, go vote on the poll on my profile.**


End file.
